it frightens me so much, because it feels like you’re getting bored of me, or just annoyed. i feel like i don’t make you happy anymore. i’m so scared you’re going to realize that i’m not as great and beautiful as you thought i was, see how messed up i actually am. i’m scared you’re going to realize you deserve someone prettier, someone with confidence, someone who isn’t in and out of therapy, someone who doesn’t make you sad and worry you. i’m nothing. you deserve everything.
ugh fuck, purging up blood. probably just cut it with my nail or something >___<
fuckity fuck, perogies and shit for dinner. just 4 perogies = 293 calories
shower time right after and purging, for sure.
i wish my dad could read my mind and take me back to the hospital. i’m too afraid to ask, but at the same time i don’t want to willingly take myself away from my perfect boy and school, etc. i just want to be the perfect, normal girl for him. i feel like i’m a pain in the ass and he worries too much.
fucking idiot, ate 180 more cals. soooo stupid. so fucking stupid.
on my way home from looking at houses, parents stopped at Burger King even though I told them already I’m not eating anymore junk food. Well, they made me down a Grilled Chicken, i felt so disgusting sitting there. I couldn’t leave to purge, since there was a lady in there cleaning. And by the time I got home, it was too late to purge when i tried. fuckity fuck.
hardly slept, most painful shower in a while from cuts, haven’t ate. i feel like shit. but it’s worth it, and i deserve all of this.
i’m a fuck up.
haven’t cut my arms in so long..feels so scary to be in this position again.
i wish i could just tell my therapist everything. tell her how much i hate my body, how much i torture it by starving it and forcing myself to throwup. how i cut not only on my wrists and arms where she saw before, but also on my thighs and hips. how i don’t care if i cut too deep, and how i always have a wish that i’d die or get severely hurt. how if it wasnt for my boyfriend and my dad, i’d be dead by now. how i get so frightened being around people i dont know and new areas. how i honestly wish i could go back to the hospital and get better.
can’t stop crying, tonight’s horrible and i have no one to talk to. fuck, going to go try and sleep. leave me love and messages in my ask?
i have so many issues…how could you possibly love me?
the night i need you most, i’m scared to ask. you’re out with your friend, who’s just being an asshole when i need advice on what to do. i give up, i’m just the annoying girlfriend. sorry.